


Sometimes

by Leviathans_in_the_Tardis



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-01 04:22:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1040288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leviathans_in_the_Tardis/pseuds/Leviathans_in_the_Tardis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean hates himself, and sometimes, when the rain is pouring and the world has been turned gray, he hides in front of an old building and adds his own tears to the water raining down. Based of the song Somtimes by Skillet, and filled with angst. Sorry not sorry. This story is slightly AU, Castiel still has his wings, and no one is currently dead.  I might do a sequel with another song, and with a slightly happier view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes

The rain is falling outside, dampening the world. Everything has turned gray, even the normally vibrant colors of the forest nearby. No human, angel, or other supernatural being is chancing the wetness of outdoors, opting instead to watch movies, read, or just quietly enjoy the peace. That is no one except for one lone human, sitting on the steps of an old, crumbling building, jacket soaked as he watches the drops of rain, so perfectly shaped like earthly tears, fall to the ground and disappear into puddles of yet more fallen raindrops. He adds his own rain to the natural rain falling, his tears coating his face as he sobs where no one will watch. Thoughts crowd his head, refusing to leave him alone when all he wants now is to be left by himself for a minute or two.

"Sometimes when I lie/ I know you're on to me."

Dean knows that Sam can tell when he lies, when he pretends he's 'fine'. That's why he left today, despite the pouring rain and below zero temperatures. He's so sick of the pitying gazes, because everyone seems to know that he isn't as ok as he pretends to be. That's his problem, no one else's. So he comes to the steps outside the old library, abandoned for so long even his book-loving brother doesn't want to go looking through it's moldy hallways for potential books.

"Sometimes I don't mind/ How hateful I can be."

Sometimes Dean can be a true ass. Sometimes he's so full of hate all he wants to do is find another monster so he can fight it, crush it, destroy it. Whoever decided he was the righteous man must have been more than a little insane, because Dean was anything but righteous. And the worst part? When he defeats his enemies, when he tears them apart, he doesn't even mind that every thing he kills is more blood on his hands. Sometimes the guilt crushes him, but sometimes, the times when he runs from his only family because he's so damn scared of what he has become, yeah those times he doesn't even care that he's become just as much of a monster as any of the things he's ever killed.

"Sometimes I don't try/ To make you happy."

When he and Sam are running from hellhound or finding another small town monster or salting and burning an old corpse, Sam's happiness isn't his top concern. Hell, most of the time there just isn't time to try to make Sam happy, not like he used to when they were little kids. He even dragged Sam away from his dream life, and his dream girlfriend(the facts that she died doesn't seem to matter much) because he was so damn selfish and didn't want to try hunting alone. So no, sometimes Dean can't, won't, doesn't try to make Sam happy. Not anymore.

"I don't know why I do the things I do to you but.."

Oh how Dean wished he knew why his life was so screwed up. What ordinary man wakes up each morning wondering if his last family was still alive and somewhat well? What ordinary man woke up and asked himself what new monster there would be to kill that day? And why oh why does Dean always manage to hurt Sam, the one person he always tries desperately to protect? Even when he saves Sam, half the time it seems Sam would be better of without him, the crazy older brother with too many one night stands and too many close, sometimes talking distance, encounters with Death.

"Sometimes I don't wanna be better/ Sometimes I can't be put back together."

Despite everything wrong with his life, he doesn't want to change what he does. He may kill, but he saves too. At least he tries to. And if the cost is his own life, his own sanity, so be it. Better he ends up broken and at the bottom of another beer bottle then his brother, or his angel, or any of the other people, truly good people, he has been able to meet. Always better him than another. Even if he is more broken than Humpty Dumpty himself, so broken all the kings men couldn't put him back together again.

"Sometimes I find it hard to believe/ There's someone else who could be/ Just as messed up as me."

No one is as messed up in the head as Dean. He may love pie, classic rock, and beer, but those are about the only similarities between him and any other American male. Deep inside, he is a monster. A monster who kills other monsters for a living, who has been to hell, been rescued by an angel (whose friggin hand was tattooed to his shoulder), who has talked to Death and to the King of Hell, who has been asked to be possessed by Micheal the archangel of all people and refused. Who has done everything in his power to save his family, but who has lost all three of parents, both his blood parents and his parent that was related purely in spirit. Who left his own brother in Hell because he wasnt Sammy, so he didn't matter nearly as much. No, Dean is the most messed up human on this sorry planet, and nothing is changing that anytime soon.

"Sometimes don't deny/ That everything is wrong."

Dean is so sick of people pretending everything is ok, everything will be alright, things suck now but they will be better later, everything happens for a reason, or every cloud has a silver lining. No. Everything is not alright. Things don't always get better, and nothing happens for a reason, that's what free will means right? If everything was ok he wouldn't be out here right now sobbing into the distance, where no one can see or hear him, he wears a mask of OK so often, but things never as good as people think they are. So when the earth itselfs seems to cry, Dean can finally break down and rain his sorrows back onto the earth and stop denying, even for just a moment, that everything is wrong.

 

"Sometimes rather die/ Than to admit its my fault."

Dean doesn't like admitting he's wrong. He's a prideful bastard, and sometimes it's easier to take a risky job that could get him killed try to fix his problem rather than admitting his has a problem, or that he caused a problem. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, but he at least is supposed to appear like the one in control, the one who fixes things, not the mess of a man who leaves a trial of problems and mistakes in his wake.

"Sometimes when you cry/ I just don't care at all."

Sam doesn't cry nearly as much as Dean does. No respectable man cries as much as he does, and after crying a certain number of tears, sometimes they loose their mearning. Oh, he cares when Sam gets upset, but the tears themselves just don't mean as much to him. How can they, when he sometimes cries so much he has no tears left to give.

 

"I don't know why I do the things I do to you but..."

In the distance another broken man approaches, his trenchcoat dragging into the mud as he trudges forward, his eyes searching for the one he has hurt so much, the one he thinks he drove out this morning. Oh why does he always hurt Dean? It's never his intention when he is calm and clear minded, but whenever strong emotions take over his body, he seems to end up hurting the one man he loves most. So he walks on as rain pours down on and around him, as winds pick at his dirty, mangaled wings and muddy trenchcoat, as the man he knows he needs to find is hiding somewhere, the one man he never wants hurt but always does.

"Sometimes I don't wannna be better/ Sometimes I can be put back together."

Dean sobs on as the lost angels searches for his broken hunter. Sometimes neither can pick up their own broken pieces alone, but sometimes together they can finally be put back together a little bit, enough to make it through another hour, anther day, another week, and sometimes together they are willing to finally try to get better.

"Sometimes I find it hard to believe/ There's someone else who could be/ Just as messed up as me."

The angel finally finds Dean, crying in the steps of a crumbling Library, shoulders hunched and face downcast. Castiel approaches, and sits next to Dean in silence, knowing now is not the time for talk, not for the hunter who could defy all of Heavem and Hell, but was terrified of sharing his feelings. Instead, he takes his trenchcoat off and wraps it around Dean, hugging the human breifly for both support and to try to warm him up a little bit.

"I want someone to hurt/ Like the way I hurt/ It's sick but it makes me feel better."

Only one person truly knows Dean. Only one knows everything he has done, all his secrets and his mistakes, and all his qualities, both good and bad. One who has held his soul, and holds his heart, who knows but isn't afraid. And only one person truly knows Castiel Knows his motives, knows his love and his thoughts. Who insists he does have a heart and soul, despite all factual evidence that spoke against this. And since Cas knows Dean, and Dean knows Cas, it's okay if neither tells another everything.

"Sometimes I can't hide/ The demons that I face."

Both Dean and Cas have faced more demons than the care to list, both actual demonic things and demons of a more symbolic sense. And some of the demons they have faced and continue to face leave ugly scars that they try to hide from the world. But sometimes it's hard to hide scars, especially the ones left by demons. Luckily, the hunter is there to heal the angel's scars, and the angel is there to heal the hunter's scars, and maybe someday it won't be so hard to hide the scars, and maybe sometime the scars will slowly fade into small aches, never forgotten, but no longer the forefront of their minds.

"Sometimes don't deny/ I'm sometimes sinner, sometimes saint."

Dean has never thought highly of himself, even while he was an arrogant, egotistical jerk. Oh, he has plenty of pride in himself, especially in his taste of music and food, but actual, good qualities? Dean doesn't think he has any. But then there's Castiel to remind him that although he has done bad things, he has also done great, wonderful things for humanity. And maybe the two don't balance out completely, and maybe Dean will always feel he is more sinner than saint, but with Cas by his side, maybe Dean won't hate himself quite as much.

"Sometimes I don't wanna be better/ Everything is wrong forever."

Sometimes stress is too much, and Dean runs off to scream his sorrow at the earth, rage and cry when no one is watching. Sometimes it feels like everything is wrong, and he belongs in the cold downpour of rain, sobbing at the bittom of a dying building lost to humans in the great cascade of time. And Castiel lets him do this, gives Dean this time to rain his own tears. Because Cas knows after Dean will feel better, and all Cas wants, all he has wanted in this short time as part of Team Free Will, is to keep Dean safe like Dean keeps Sam safe. And maybe Castiel hopes that if Dean cries enough, eventually he will be free of his guilt, and maybe finally Dean will let Castiel help him heal his final scars and wounds, the ones that he has not been allowed to do more than see, because Dean thinks if he hurts for someone, he will remember them better. But one day, maybe, and Cas will wait for that day, even if it's when Dean is old and gray.

"Sometimes I can't be put back together/ Sometimes it's gone forever."

Perhaps Dean will never stop hating himself, never stop feeling needlessly guilty. And perhaps the same is true for Castiel, the angel who rebelled against good and bad to forge his own path with a small handful of beautifully amazing humans. But perhaps sometimes they can pick up the broken pieces of their lives and stop feeling hated and guilty and instead of missing every person they loss, perhaps the hunter and the angel will learn to instead remember the people that used to be, and the people that still are here, and maybe even the people they are.

"Sometimes I find it hard to believe/ There's someone else who could be."

As rain increases, and thunder is heard off in the distance, Dean's tears finally begin to lessen, and they slow to a stop when the next roll of thunder is heard. He faces Castiel finally, gazing into the angel's eyes, such a vibrant blue in a world that has been temporarily turned into a dull gray. In Cas's eyes, he finally finds what he has been searching for since he left this morning, when Sam was asleep and Cas was gone off doing...something. In Cas's eyes, he finds someone who just maybe is as broken, mangaled, good, amazing, perfect but damaged as he is. And before Dean can truly think about what he is doing,he presses his lips to Cas, molding his body to the angel's when Cas eagerly returns the kiss. And maybe it's okay that Dean isn't perfect, because he has finally found someone else just as unperfect as he is, and in the cool quiet of the library's front they can finally meet each other as what they have always been, a couple as unlikely as a double rainbow, but as perfect as homemade apple pie.

"Just as messed up as me/ Just as messed up as me."

The rain is gone, and so are the people who were occupying the library steps. The rain has been chased away by sun and rainbows, turning the forest back into a vibrant green and the sky back into a beautiful blue. The men have finally returned home, content with their newfound knowledge of each other, and a newfound hope that maybe sometimes they can be truly happy, with themselves, with each other, and with their friends and family, whomever that may be.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos to my best friend, Neha for helping motivate me to write this. Sorry this hasn't been beta'd, so if you notice a mistake, feel free to point it out and I will fix it. Again, thanks for reading:)


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